Other Jokes

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.

And the most British thing of all?

"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.

I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. 

He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" 

He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy. 

I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. 

He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper. 

I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice." 

I got back today and found out he planted a fookin tree.

An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says:

Wow what a great chest you have!

He says

100 lbs of dynamine babe!

He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says

Wow what massive calves you have!

He says

100 lbs of dynamine babe!

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear.

He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that.

The blonde replied:

I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No", says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."