Irish Jokes

Sitting in a bar in Ireland the Scotsman says,

“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Four Irishmen had been betting at the races & talking about how their wives hated their gambling.
Just then O’Malley lost the last of his money on the last race of the day, & keeled over dead!

The other 3 men stood & took off their hats for a few seconds.

Then O’Grady says “Well, one of ya better go tell his wife. I’ll not be the one.”

“Oh, me neither, me neither.” says O’Donnell.

O’Casey says he’ll go & he knows just what to say.

So he goes to O’Malley’s house & Mrs. O’Malley answers the door.

O’Casey says, ‘Mam, I come to give ya the terrible news. Your husband just lost £500.”

‘Tell ‘im to drop dead!” she says.

O’ Casey replies, ‘Aye mam. I’ll go tell him right now!’

A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foreman’s door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the Irishman.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the Irishman.

“Holy smokes!” Said the Foreman. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked, “… don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

“Oh… Is that what they call it now?”

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros.

I cannot help thinking about my old friend Patrick O’Shea who called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.” “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’. . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with?