RATTY NEWS SPECIAL REPORT

THE PROFESSOR PECK PHENOMENON

How Dusty Gulch University Accidentally Created the World's Greatest Expert on Things He Never Did

By Roderick "Whiskers" McNibble, Chief Investigative Correspondent

Dusty Gulch has always been a town of unusual ideas.

We once had a mayor who proposed solving drought by installing enormous drinking fountains for clouds.

We had the Great Emu Uprising of '32.

We had the Duck Tax Disaster of '76, where residents discovered that ducks were apparently both exempt from taxation and somehow responsible for collecting it.

We even briefly elected a goat as Minister for Agriculture because he was "good with grass."

Nobody questioned any of this.

This was Dusty Gulch.

But even Dusty Gulch has standards.

The trouble began when Professor Percival Peck arrived at Dusty Gulch University and announced that the town's greatest problem was not potholes, drought, rogue ducks, or the occasional unexplained disappearance of garden furniture.

The problem, he declared, was "historical narrative imbalance."

Mayor Dusty McFookit was confused.

"Does that mean the bridge is broken?"

"No."

"Does that mean the pub roof leaks?"

"No."

"Does that mean the chookhouse has been attacked again?"

"No."

"Then what exactly needs fixing?"

Professor Peck paused.

"The way you think about the bridge."

The Mayor looked at the bridge.

"It still looks like it needs fixing."

The University soon established the Department of Applied Interpretive Reality Management.

Its first recommendation:

Dusty Gulch should stop celebrating achievements that made some residents feel inadequate.

This included:

• Trevor the Wallaby's jumping ability.
• Old Bushie's knowledge of bushcraft.
• Colonel Cluck's military discipline.
• Digital Dingo's ability to build things that actually work.

Trevor's case became the most controversial.

University researchers argued that his powerful legs represented "unequal access to vertical mobility."

Therefore, Trevor was asked to participate in a Mandatory Humility Hopping Program.

His jumps were reduced.

His confidence was monitored.

And before every leap he was required to announce:

"My ability does not diminish your worth."

Trevor responded:

"Mate, I was just trying to clear the fence."

There are legends in Dusty Gulch.

Some are true.

Some are exaggerated.

And some are so impressive that everyone is too embarrassed to ask whether they actually happened.

Professor Percival Peck belongs firmly in the third category.

According to his official university biography, Professor Peck:

• climbed Mount Gulch;
• designed Moonlight Manor;
• advised kings, queens, mayors and one particularly confused emu;
• invented the Whiskers Dynamic Propulsion Theory;
• and once stared down a crocodile using only "the power of discourse."

Impressive stuff.

There was just one small problem.

Nobody could find any evidence.

When Ratty News checked Mount Gulch, we discovered it had disappeared years ago.

When we checked Moonlight Manor, the Stilt Dancing Emu Troupe produced the original plans.

When we asked Digital Dingo about the WDPT, he simply replied:

"Searching files..."

"Searching archives..."

"Searching for why everyone keeps giving credit to the wrong bloke..."

Then his screen displayed:

ERROR: TOO MANY CLAIMS. NOT ENOUGH REALITY.

 

The University of Dusty Gulch defended Professor Peck immediately.

Vice-Chancellor Maurice EDuck released a statement:

"Professor Peck's contribution cannot be judged merely by whether he did the things he says he did."

Roderick scratched his head.

"That's a fascinating position," he said.

"Especially for a university."

The CWA ladies were less diplomatic.

"Back in our day," said Mrs McGillicuddy, "if someone claimed they made the best scones in the district, we asked them to make scones."

She paused.

"Nowadays, apparently you get a chair, a title, and a conference."

Old Bushie had the simplest solution.

"Give him a shovel."

Roderick blinked.

"Why?"

"Well, if he's an expert on digging, he'll dig."

Meanwhile, the University has announced a new review.

The review will investigate whether Professor Peck's achievements are genuine.

The review panel includes:

Professor Peck.

Professor Peck's assistant.

And three people who wrote letters saying Professor Peck was wonderful.

The University describes this as "a balanced approach."

The Honklanders remain supportive.

One student told Ratty News:

"Professor Peck inspires us because he proves anyone can become anything."

I nodded.

"That's certainly true."

The student smiled.

"Wonderful!"

I continued:

"Although most people usually have to actually do something first."

At this point, even Dusty Gulch was becoming uncomfortable.

And that takes some doing.

This is a town where:

• a duck once ran a fake government department;
• a chicken attempted a military takeover;
• a rat invented a flying machine;
• and a possum once claimed diplomatic immunity because he was asleep.

Yet somehow, everyone agreed:

"Professor Peck might be taking things a bit far."

This is Roderick McNibble signing off from the Dusty Gulch University car park.

Where the degrees are impressive...

The speeches are inspiring...

And the reality is still waiting for its invitation.

Stay twitchy out there.