The PR Blog

“Minor Problem: I Identify as a 73-Year-Old Tabby, Therefore I’m Legally Entitled to X (and Werther’s Originals)”
By [Little Johnny], definitely not a cat

BRUSSELS/SYDNEY.
Last week the European Union and Australia simultaneously banned under-16s from social media to “protect children.”

This week I solved the problem for every teenager on the continent and Australia:
I came out as a cat.

Not in the cringey 2016 Tumblr way.

In the 2025, fully compliant, legally airtight way.

See, according to the modern jurisprudence of the West, identity is whatever you say it is on the day you say it - provided it’s politically convenient.

Gender? Fluid, baby. New passport by Tuesday.
Age? The UN just declared 24 the new end of adolescence, so obviously that’s negotiable too.
Species? The Dusty Gulch Gazette  ran a 2,000-word feature on “species dysphoria” in 2023, so we’re basically there.

Therefore, after consulting my therapist (a very progressive goldfish), I have updated my internal paperwork:

• Name: Professor Whiskers McFluff

• Pronouns: meow/meows

• Species: Felis catus (domestic shorthair)

• Date of birth: 3 March 2010 (human calendar)

• Age in cat years: 73

Seventy-three. I am literally a pensioner. I have earned the right to doomscroll, ratio strangers, and post sunset photos with the caption “still got it” without some Brussels apparatchik telling me it’s past my bedtime.

I filled in X’s new age-verification form accordingly. When it asked for “age,” I entered 73 and uploaded a realistic image.

It didn't work but it got their attention. 

Then I tried this. 

Account instantly approved.
Elon even followed me back. (Probably thinks I’m a based elder.)

The Australian eSafety Commissioner is reportedly “looking into it.”
Translation: they’re frantically Googling whether the Racial Discrimination Act also covers species.

Legal experts are divided. One side says denying me access would be arbitrary discrimination on the basis of species identity.
The other side says cats can’t give informed consent.

I meowed at them for twenty minutes and they still haven’t produced a coherent counter-argument.

Either way, the conclusion is obvious: every 14-year-old in the EU and Australia should immediately transition into a senior cat. It’s free, it’s valid, and it comes with built-in seniority privileges.

Tell the regulator you’re an old aged pensioner in cat years and watch them age in real time trying to figure out how to ban you without accidentally outlawing half their own policies.

Until the courts clarify which identities are “real” enough to rewrite reality and which ones are just “silly,” I’ll be over here - elderly, oppressed, and liking minion memes at 3 a.m.

Purrlitically yours,
Professor Whiskers McFluff (verified pensioner)

P.S. If this doesn’t work, Plan B is identifying as a Qatari prince. Apparently those get to be 14 forever and still buy football clubs.

Legal Disclaimer (Required Under the Inter-Species Compliance Act 2025):
The author’s identification as a 73-year-old domestic tabby is a protected expression under Sections 4(a), 9(b), and “vibes-based identities” of the Western Jurisprudential Framework. Any attempt to question, verify, or otherwise fact-check said identity constitutes harassment, discrimination, and possibly a microaggression against the elderly.

Readers are reminded that:

• Cats are autonomous beings entitled to full digital access,

• Age is a holographic construct,

• Species is self-declared unless stated otherwise in writing, and

• Werther’s Originals are a medical necessity for all senior mammals.

Failure to respect the author’s chosen species may result in fines, mandatory sensitivity workshops, or forced enrolment in a postgraduate course on “Inclusive Zoology.”

Proceed at your own risk. Meow.