By Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble, Senior Correspondent (and dance adjudicator)
Crikey, mates and matesses - you’d think a town as small and conspiratorially aware as Dusty Gulch would be immune to scams by now. But no. Once again, Maurice EDuck and Prentis Penjani, those two smooth-talking prophets of piffle, have reminded us that Australia is out for a duck because Trump knocked it out of the park.
Dusty Gulch is still recovering from last Friday night’s spectacle at the Dusty Dingo, where Trevor the Wallaby took to the bar ... literally ... to debut his brand-new titanium knees. He stomped, he twirled, he Riverdanced and Appalachian-clogged until the sawdust lifted. The crowd roared, the jukebox shorted, and old Mavis from the CWA clog dancing committee fainted into a keg of Emu Brew beer. It was a night to remember.
But just as the knees were warming up, so too were the rumours. Word reached the Dusty Dingo Pub that the shiny new metal in Trevor’s legs came from Dusty Gulch itself .. or rather, from the soon-to-be “Critical Minerals Extraction Zone No. 47,” recently approved after the historic handshake deal between President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Magoo.
Intrigued? You should be. This is a tale that could wag the tail off a rat living in a wombat burrow, reporting news to the world via carrier galah and orange biplanes fuelled by whiskers dynamic propulsion......
It all began with President Trump summoning Prime Minister Magoo to Washington, along with Magoo's pet lapdog Krudd. And what a good little doggie he is. Sit, stay, beg... Little Kruddie is well trained.
KRUDD. The pathetic commie loser. #auspol pic.twitter.com/zuDhHy7TeX
— Danger Dan (@DangerBunker) October 21, 2025
But back to our lead story.
“Yes, mate,” said Maurice the eDuck, flapping a disbelieving wing. “They reckon our red dirt’s got neodymium, lithium, and a pinch of unobtainium. Trouble is, it’ll take enough acid to strip a crocodile to get it out.”
Locals are uneasy. Prentis Penjani, the smooth-talking prospector now styling himself as Dusty Gulch’s ‘Sustainability Liaison Officer,’ assures everyone that modern mining techniques will make the town ‘a model of eco-friendly extraction.’ He said this while wearing a luminous green suit and driving a ute that appeared to be leaking something that smelled faintly of burnt fried dingo and battery fluid.
Trevor, proudly tapping his new knees, isn’t so sure. “They told me these things were made from recycled kettles and left overs from Elon Musk's space shuttle,” he said. “Now I’m wondering if I’m part of a pilot project for the American-Australian Strategic Titanium Resilience Initiative.”
There’s talk that the gulch ... once famous for its wildflowers and pub cricket ... could soon resemble Inner Mongolia’s infamous rare-earth tailings lake. Locals are already calling it “Lake Magoo.” Council has assured everyone it’ll be ‘contained,’ though the containment plans are reportedly stored on a laptop last seen in Prentis Penjani’s caravan.
Still, the party at the Dingo went on. Maurice the eDuck performed a satirical interpretive dance called The Toxic Waltz of Sovereignty, while the band struck up Waltzing Matilda (in Hazardous Waste). And as Trevor leapt from the bar in a triumphant finale, one couldn’t help but wonder.... were those titanium knees gleaming with pride, or just catching the early glow of the first extraction pit lights beyond the horizon?
When word spread that the U.S. and Australia had inked a multi-billion-dollar critical-minerals pact, Maurice EDuck’s eyes lit up brighter than a lithium battery in a bushfire. Within 24 hours, the “Dusty Gulch Silicone Initiative” was re-badged as the Rare Earths and Ethical Extraction Trust (REEET) - complete with a laminated logo and a mission statement promising “clean, green, knee-powered prosperity.”
Prentis Penjani, self-declared “Chief Sustainability Officer,” unveiled their first product: “Trevorite” - a newly discovered element allegedly formed when titanium knees meet honest wallaby sweat. Mayor Dusty McFookit called it “potentially radioactive,” but Maurice called it “strategic.”
Their new mine site? Dusty Gulch itself, now fenced with bunting and a sign reading “Joint Venture – USA/Australia Approved (Pending).”
Dusty Gulch Gazette – “Rare Earth, Rare Sense: From the Dingo to the Dump”
By Roderick “Whiskers” McNibble, Rat Reporter Extraordinaire
(With unhelpful insights from Mayor Dusty McFookit and a safety disclaimer from the Dusty Dingo Pub cleaner)
Dateline: Dusty Gulch, October 23, 2025 – Population: 47 (47½ if you count the U.S. trade delegate still hiding behind the water tank).
Hold onto your hats and your groundwater, folks - the Dusty Gulch “rare earth boom” has officially begun!
Maurice EDuck, wearing a borrowed lab coat and an optimism that could melt steel, announced to a stunned crowd at the Dusty Dingo,
“This here gulch sits on the richest seam of neody-whatsit outside of China! And unlike Inner Mongolia, we’ll manage our tailings responsibly - Reg’s got plenty of empty Bundy barrels!”
Prentis nodded solemnly. “Sustainability’s our middle name,” he said. “Well, technically it’s ‘Alan,’ but you get the drift.”
The Spark That Lit the Fuse
It all started when Trevor the Wallaby’s titanium knees set off a metal detector at the pub door. Maurice declared it “proof of local mineralisation”. By dawn, he and Prentis had pegged out the carpark as a “strategic extraction site.”
Prentis Penjani called an emergency council meeting, mostly to get first dibs on the new “prospector hats.” He announced that Dusty Gulch would become the “Lithium Capital of the Outback,” promising jobs, prosperity, and a new rubbish tip “for temporary storage of mildly glowing by-products.”
Toxic Truths (and Mild Hallucinations)
Meanwhile, Redhead raised concerns that the dust blowing from the “mine” (still just a hole with ambitious voter recalculations) might be affecting the locals. Bazza’s emus have started walking in circles, Reg’s moonshine now glows faintly blue at night, and the town’s tadpoles have grown a suspicious extra appendage.
Experts warn that Inner Mongolia’s rare earth mines left behind a vast toxic lake - but Maurice insists this version will be “eco-friendly and scenic,” offering boat hire and a “family fish-and-frolic zone” once the chemicals settle.
Whiskers (that’s me) tried to raise the alarm, but Penjani’s “Community Engagement Committee” voted to defer environmental questions “until after happy hour.”
A National Quarry in Miniature
Word has it Canberra’s taking notes ... seeing Dusty Gulch as a “model pilot site” for clean energy extraction. Translation: they’ll mine it, leave it, and send a pamphlet saying “thanks for your contribution to the national interest.”
Already, Maurice has rebranded as Outback Elements Pty Ltd, with a mission to “put the ‘critical’ in critical minerals.” Prentis is reportedly negotiating with “a Texas investor” (believed to be Maurice EDuck’s cousin with a Facebook account).
Meanwhile, Trevor’s new knees have been declared “strategic assets.” There’s talk of exporting him for testing - though the locals have vowed to defend him “with lamingtons and honour.”
The Moral of the Gulch
As the sun sets over the ridge, the Dusty Dingo hums with excitement - and a faint whiff of sulphur. Maybe this is prosperity. Maybe it’s poison. But as Redhead says,
“If the dingoes start glowing, we’ll know which way the wind’s blowin’.”
So here’s the rub:
From Inner Mongolia to Inner Queensland, the story’s the same - they call it progress when someone else digs the hole.
Whiskers out.
