NEWSFLASH FROM DUSTY GULCH
By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble – Dusty Gulch Bureau Chief
Hold onto your Akubras and stubby holders! Something big’s stirring in the sticks.
Yesterday morning, Mayor Dusty McFookit spotted a sulphur-crested cockatoo strutting about Duck Central. Harmless? Hardly. These feathered fiends live a century, chew through timber and wiring, and crave aluminium-sheathed coaxial cables.
The only defence? Marine-grade stainless steel. McFookit knows the cost - last time one of these beaked brutes took out the town’s water supply comms tower, the bill stung worse than a box jellyfish.
Is this cockatoo a rogue loner… or the tenth member of the infamous Nine Dastardly Ducks, here to take Dusty Gulch off the grid? Or worse?
RATTY NEWS INVESTIGATES
Our proofreaders are on strike, so you might spot a typo or two. Budget cuts mean we’ve offered only lamingtons to lure them back - Bitcoin wages and carbon credits are off the table.
“Beak & Beak Alike”
Is the Tenth Feathered Fiend Lord Haw-Haw Reborn?
Locals swear this cockatoo’s no “pretty Polly” - it spits crisp, clipped propaganda eerily like WWII’s Lord Haw-Haw, bent on chewing cables and downing Starlink with taunts of,
“G’day Dusty Gulch—you’re doomed, old chaps!”
When I put this to Mayor McFookit, he nearly spat his billy tea:
“Strewth, McNibble, that’s no bird - it’s a feathered felon with a beak and a grudge!”
If this is the avian reincarnation of Lord Haw-Haw, the Feathered Fiends just upgraded from nuisance to psychological warfare unit.
To the cockatoo: Ratty News is onto you, mate. We’ve got mics, magnifying glasses, and cheese rations to see this through.
INTERCEPTED BROADCAST
Source: Unknown Avian Frequency
Transcript:
“G’day, Dusty Gulch. Lord Squawk-Squawk, Voice of the Feathered Fiends, here. Your cables? Chewed to buggery. Starlink? Toast. Maurice summoned me. My demands: five kilos of sunflower seeds, a disco ball, a mirror because I am a handsome boy, and my own X handle. Refuse, and it’s candlelit Scrabble with no vowels. Squawk out."
QUACK AND DAGGER – Maurice Denies Everything
I cornered Maurice the E Duck in his lair, latte in one wing, croissant in the other. He brushed it off as “avian gossip” and “dangerous conspiracy theories.”
Maurice, sporting a monocle and sipping a flat white from a monogrammed mug, smirked through his denial. ‘Conspiracy? Poppycock,’ he quacked, as a suspiciously duck-shaped drone buzzed overhead, dropping leaflets demanding ‘Sunflower Seed Sovereignty.’
Mid-denial of his “Chief Strategist” title, two Dusty Gulch Communications Compliance Committee (DGCCC) officials barged in, nabbed my recorder, and slapped me with a “Warning of Narrative Non-Compliance.”
OFFICIAL DGCCC STATEMENT
However, Mayor Dusty McFookit replied with a spit of coffee on his keyboard and replied " You promote wind turbines to “protect avian habitats” - because obviously, the best way to fight feathered fiends is wind farms. Now you want hemp rope instead of coax cables? Next you'll be telling us to get out our jam tins and make bloody telephones! "
Non-compliance means a 50-lamington fine or a week in the Re-Education Shed enduring looped DGCCC compliance jingles and replays of Mr Magoo's speeches and best hugs with world leaders.
Albozo is a f#cked unit, & this f#cked unit is the Prime Minster of Australia, we're f#cked! https://t.co/FKiHLkdA1f
— Hallstrong (@hallstrong1) August 11, 2025
FREE SQUAWK SOCIETY FIGHTS BACK
Old Mrs. Digby, slingshot in one hand, Milo thermos in the other, roared,
“No bloody cockatoo or DGCCC suit’ll silence my damper recipe posts!”
The Free Squawk Society, holed up in the Rusty Roo Pub’s shed, has rigged a pirate radio blasting Waltzing Matilda and Trev the Butcher’s McFookit burger recipe, vowing to keep Dusty Gulch’s free from Maurice’s feathered fiends.
LEAKED DOCUMENT – OPERATION FEATHERED VEIL
A memo stamped “TOP BEAKS ONLY” admits Lord Squawk-Squawk is part of the Nine Dastardly Ducks’ operations under Maurice’s command.
“Operation Feathered Veil” aims to throttle X access, replacing ‘freedom’ with ‘compliance’ and branding ‘barbie’ as a fire hazard - because nothing says ‘community spirit’ like official censorship.
Incidents are to be blamed on “climate anomalies,” and the Full Avian Asset List is locked behind “national weather security.”
TOWN HALL UPROAR
“RELEASE THE LIST! RELEASE THE FILES!” “NAME THE BIRDS!”
Placards showed ducks in trench coats, cockatoos in headphones, and Maurice pecking a globe - ‘cause nothing’s safe from his beak and byte.
THE WHISPER NETWORK
Local legend Mrs Doris Digby swears she saw the Full Avian Asset List in the council tea trolley’s bottom drawer. Len the Linesman claims he’s installing “pre-chewed” cables for “climate simulations.” Trev the Butcher muttered, “The ducks are everywhere,” handed me a sausage, closed his butcher shop for good and scarpered.
WHERE THIS LEAVES US
The DGCCC insists it’s all “climate-related.” McFookit’s pricing stainless steel cable sheathing. Maurice has vanished into Dusty Creek. Lord Squawk-Squawk’s frequency is silent… for now.
Ratty News will chase this story until we get answers—or the DGCCC bans our typewriters for “environmental noise pollution.”
A CALL TO ARMS
To Lord Squawk-Squawk and Maurice: you’ll never chew through the cables of our fair dinkum defiance!
But hold up - what’s this Digital Dingo nonsense all about? Stay tuned for the next Ratty News Exclusive: “A Dingo Ate My Town!” where we unravel the wildest outback conspiracy since drop bears went viral!
Dusty Gulch - where the cables are tough, the spirit tougher, and the squawks never silenced!
This article is satire. It uses humour, exaggeration, and a sprinkle of cheekiness to make a point. It’s not meant to be taken literally or as factual reporting. If you’re looking for straight news, this ain’t it. But if you enjoy a good laugh and a bit of honest reflection, you’re in the right place.
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