Canberra's finest fall from grace... and altitude
They came, they posed, they plummeted. In what was billed as a whirlwind outback charm offensive, Prime Minister Albanese, Climate Minister Chris Bowen, and Foreign Minister Penny Wong descended... quite literally... on Dusty Gulch for a photo-op tour that turned into a full-blown bush baptism.
Dressed in high-vis vests and sporting expressions of city-bred optimism, the trio’s visit quickly unravelled into a cautionary tale of political parachuting gone wrong, airborne budgies, CWA sabotage, and old fashioned bush justice. As Ratty Airways circled low and Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble reported live, the stage was set for a landing so unforgettable it may be commemorated in marmalade for years to come.
It was supposed to be a triumphant outback photo op for Queensland Day. Instead, it turned into a comedy of altitude and attitude - with the Prime Minister, the Climate Minister and the Foreign Minister all taking a dive, quite literally, into the heart of Dusty Gulch.
Locals say they were uneasy from the moment the government jet touched down. Memories stirred. The scent of spin hung in the air like a warm summer rubbish bin after a prawn fest. One grazier leaned on a gate and muttered, “It’s Clermont all over again.”
Yes, Clermont. That time Bob Brown, high priest of the Greens, wandered into Clermont all pious and puffed up, and promptly got banned from the pub, booed down the main street, and politely advised to leave his latte at the boundary fence. That moment lives on in legend .... and The Three Amigos knew it. Which might explain why Wong kept the engine running.
They came bearing leaflets, carbon concerns, and a heartfelt belief in renewable futures. The locals, however, came with Akubras tilted low, arms folded tight, and opinions forged in coal, cattle and decades of Canberra neglect.
“Tell ya what,” said Macca from behind the bar, “you’re welcome to have a beer, just not here.”
They were not be met with lamingtons... but laminguns - CWA ladies firing scones like mortar shells from behind trestle tables.
Town Hall (held in a shearing shed)
Locals lined up with pressing questions:
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“Why does my internet only work when a willy-willy hits the tower?”
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“Can you promise fewer slogans and more solutions?”
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“Will you finally legalise billy tea as a mental health treatment?”
Bowen launched into a speech about green transition:
“Imagine a future where we all drive EVs across the plains.”
One local, seated on a folding chair, yelled:
“Mate, we need a future where we all have roads first!”
Wong began a heartfelt explanation of new social policies:
“We’re building back better.”
A stockman in a Jackie Howe singlet muttered:
“We just want you to bugger off better mate.”
A cow mooed at the perfect moment. Applause followed - for the cow.
Albo thanked them for the "raw authenticity," Bowen accidentally announced a ban on diesel hats, and Wong declared the bush “a surprisingly windy solar opportunity zone.”
Exclusive: “Boos, Beers, and Bungled Promises – The Canberra Trio Tour”
Whiskers McNibble reporting:
“In breaking news, Albo has taken shelter behind the meat raffle fridge. Bowen has been seen trying to locate the nearest EV charger - 800km away. And Wong just promised funding to a nearby prickly pear patch, mistaking it for a Free Palestine Protest Encampment.
" This is Roderick McNibble, suspended by a reinforced gumleaf harness at 5,000 feet, directly above the great Thomson River where the Dusty Gulch Marmalade Uprising of ’94 was once fought.
Below me, three fluorescent specks tumble toward an uncertain destiny: Prime Minister Albanese, Minister Chris Bowen, and Minister Penny Wong, known locally as The Three Amigos.
Aboard the Ratty Enterprises drop plane, legendary SAS skydiving veteran Ben “Drop Bear” Double Barrel is laughing softly into a thermos, while CWA matron Beryl hums the theme from Home and Away beside an open crate marked ‘MAYBE Parachutes.’
Landing with the finesse of a dropped bureaucrat, the Three Amigos hit the muddy waters of the Thomson, recently restocked with crocodiles as part of a misunderstood “rewilding” initiative.
One of the politicians - possibly Bowen - had lost his pants. The crowd below, already unimpressed, now appears to be pointing and chanting something about… budgies.
I repeat: Budgies are down. I say again - the budgies are down.”
The Country Women’s Association, initially poised to provide traditional lamingtons, announced a quiet but firm “bake embargo.”
Redhead, the 92-year-old CWA queenpin, stated:
“They all need to come to one of my boot camps. They wouldn't last the week.”
With a whoosh, the ministers dropped from Ratty Airways Flight RG-1, narrated live by Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, broadcasting with all the solemnity of a Shakespearean possum.
“BREAKING: Climate policy seen plummeting into the Thomson. Minister’s budgie smugglers have disengaged. Bowen reportedly yelped.”
The descent ended in chaos. Budgie Smugglers ( later gathered by the local cop as forensic evidence ) showed no sign of balls in Bowen or Albo's Budgie smugglers but suspiciously large ones in Ms Wongs. Doctors are baffled.
They were quietly escorted out of town by the Gang of Five ( and a few assistants)...
The very same day, Queensland Premier David Crisafulli arrived ... without fanfare, without PR crew, and crucially, without trying to tell bushies what they already know. He was met with applause, served a slap-up RSL lunch (gravy included), and awarded the Golden Marmalade for “Services to Common Sense and the Ability to Listen Without Smirking.”
FINAL WORD FROM RODERICK (WHISKERS) McNIBBLE
Filed from the RSL veranda, with a slice of lemon cake and a faint sense of pity
"We don’t ask for much out here - just honesty, humility, and boots that aren’t borrowed from a costume department.
The thing about the bush is, we’ve got long memories and even longer paddocks. We remember Bob Brown in Clermont. We remember the smirks, the spin, the promises that melted faster than margarine in February.
And this week? We remembered again - and reminded them.
Crisafulli earned a lamington. The Three Amigos earned a swim. And Ratty News? We earned another story for the ages.
If you’re coming to the bush, don’t bring slogans. Bring sense. Or bring a towel.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"Dear Ratty, seeing them fall was the best aerial entertainment since the Wedgetails chased that ABC drone. Yours, Dot from Down the Track."
"Bob Brown never came back after Clermont. Here’s hoping history repeats." – Glenno B., Fence Mender & Philosopher
"Might’ve been parachutes that failed, but dignity hit the ground first." – Cheryl M., Postmistress & CWA Vice President
Dear Ratty News,
I was at the town forum. Bowen said something about wind-powered future transport. I told him we already have that - it’s called walking when the ute breaks down.
– Merv, age 73, Dusty Gulch
Dear Whiskers,
I’ve never seen a politician skydive into a trough before, but I reckon it was the most honest thing I’ve seen from Canberra in years.
– Donna, local teacher, and part-time parachute folder
Dear Editor,
My granddaughter asked if those men were actors. I said no - actors remember their lines.
– June, CWA scone artillery captain
