RATTY NEWS EXCLUSIVE

The Great Sausage Tax Scandal and the Return of Laughing Jack McKooka

Council Warns of Escalating Avian Threat as Citizens Told to "Keep One Hand on Their Snag"

By Roderick (Whiskers) McNibble, Chief Correspondent, Dusty Gulch Bureau

DUSTY GULCH – What began as a simple case of a missing sausage, last seen on a Qantas jet heading to Ireland,  has spiralled into the greatest feathered crisis in the town's history.

The trouble started last Saturday at the Dusty Gulch Memorial Barbecue Grounds, when three sausages, two bread rolls and an entire plate of onion mysteriously vanished.

Witnesses reported hearing a familiar sound from the gum trees above.

"HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!"

Within minutes, rumours spread like wildfire.

Laughing Jack McKooka had returned.

The legendary Sausage Bushranger, long thought to have retired somewhere near the Blue Mountains, had allegedly resurfaced in Dusty Gulch.

Council immediately convened an emergency meeting.

Mayor Dusty McFookit emerged two hours later looking pale and clutching a half-eaten chiko roll and a crispy toad wing.

Prentis Penjani announced the latest decree: 

"We are facing an unprecedented escalation in bird-related lunch crime," he announced. "The Council is considering the introduction of an Emergency Sausage Reserve and a voluntary contribution scheme of twelve additional snags per barbecue."

Critics have already dubbed the proposal:

The Unnecessary Sausage Tax.

The Mayor is furious.  Prentis Penjani denies the accusation.

"This isn't a tax," he insisted. "It's a community-based, sausage-sharing resilience initiative. I have merely changed my position."

No one appeared convinced.

Meanwhile, Mr Penjani, has reportedly become deeply unsettled by the affair.

Following his dreadful interview with a Bush Barbie, witnesses claim Mr Penjani has developed what experts are calling Post-Traumatic Sausage Disorder.

He now refuses to attend barbecues without a safety helmet and has been seen holding his sausage with both hands while nervously scanning nearby gum trees for bad reviews from Lord Squawk Squawk or Mrs Penjani.

When approached for comment, he simply whispered:

"Sometimes... I can still hear the laughing."

Parliament on High Alert After Prentis Institutes Sausage Security Measures

CANBERRA -  Prentis Penjani has reportedly ordered enhanced security measures inside Parliament House following the return of the legendary sausage thief, Laughing Jack McKooka.

Staff say Mr Penjani was seen seated on the front bench, clutching his sausage with both hands while repeatedly glancing toward the skylights.

"He seemed extremely anxious," one parliamentary aide revealed. "Every time somebody laughed in the chamber, he ducked."

Sources claim Mr Penjani has requested:

• Anti-kookaburra netting over the courtyard.
• A dedicated Sausage Protection Officer.
• A classified briefing on avian infiltration risks.
• The immediate installation of a snag-safe room.

At one point, a member opposite reportedly asked if he would yield the floor.

"No," replied Mr Penjani, tightening his grip on the sausage. "And nobody's getting this either. My wife has always managed my sausage affairs. I have complete confidence in her ability to control my personal allocation."

The sitting was briefly suspended when a kookaburra landed on a flagpole outside the building.

Several members described the laugh that followed as "deeply unsettling." Female members of parliament rallied behind Mr Penjani and declared that his sausage quips were merely light hearted barbie banter and to be fair, his sausage is his business. 

But as concerning as Laughing Jack may be, Council's newly released report paints an even grimmer picture.

If Laughing Jack is back, then what will the other avian forces do now that they know that the Canberra sausage is up for grabs? 

THE OTHER AVIAN THREATS OF DUSTY GULCH

Seagull

Classification: Brazen Sky Pirate.

Operates on a simple principle: if food exists, it belongs to the seagull.

Known to perform precision sandwich extractions in under two seconds.

Particularly active near fish and chips.

No remorse. Unless the shop is run by a redhead. 

Duck

Classification: Sneaky Pond Ninja.

Employs diversion tactics and innocent facial expressions.

Will quietly remove half your lunch and swim away looking offended that you've noticed.

Council advises against turning your back on a duck for any reason.

Goose - also works for Honklanders

Classification: Hissing Mafia Enforcer.

Travels in gangs.

Will steal your sandwich simply because it can.

Attempts at negotiation usually end with hissing, flapping and public humiliation.

Council's official policy remains:

Do not engage.

Kookaburra

Classification: Laughing Aerial Assassin.

Master thief.

Professional sausage extraction specialist.

Believed to be responsible for over seventy per cent of all barbecue-related food disappearances.

May be connected to organised crime syndicate:

The Kookaburra Kidz.

Pelican

Classification: Mobile Esky with a Beak.

Capable of swallowing an entire lunch in one motion.

Scientists remain baffled by the amount of food a pelican can fit into itself.

Ibis

Classification: Bin Chicken Crime Boss.

Does not steal your lunch because it is hungry.

Steals it because it considers your lunch an unsecured waste-management issue.

Frequently observed conducting quality inspections of picnic baskets.

Magpie

Classification: Seasonal Terrorist.

During nesting season, all outdoor activities become an extreme sport.

Lunch theft is merely collateral damage.

Cockatoo

Classification: Chaos Agent.

Doesn't want your sandwich.

Wants to know what happens if it destroys your entire picnic setup.

Known to dismantle eskies for entertainment. Writes for the ABC.

Swan

Classification: Elegant Water Gangster.

Appears beautiful.

Is not.

Will steal your bread while making you feel you've committed a diplomatic incident.

Emu

Classification: Australian Death Chicken.

Does not steal lunch.

Simply assumes ownership of the entire picnic.

May also claim the barbecue, chairs and nearby vehicle.

Cassowary

Classification: Absolutely Not.

The Council's official advice is brief:

Run.

There is no subsection.

There is no appeal process.

There are no refunds.

At press time, another sausage disappeared from the Council chambers.

A goose ate the minutes.

An ibis stole the sandwiches.

A duck escaped with the pen.

And from somewhere high above Dusty Gulch came a familiar sound:

"HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA… got yer snag, ya mugs!"

The Mayor has since urged calm and reminded residents that civilisation can survive many things.

"But if we lose the barbecue," he warned solemnly, "the birds have truly won."

This is Roderick ( Whiskers ) McNibble signing out from what has been a bit of a Bush Barbie where the snag got torched and the salad was limp and the bush bandits came in for the kill. 

Stay twitchy and remember that some shaves leave you with more than a close shave - you can have your throat cut if you are dealing with someone from Ironbark.